Why is this important?

It is human nature to take things for granted - not because we don’t appreciate but because it is our “Norm”.  Just think for a moment of growing up in your family – Your family routines, rituals, interaction became what you believe was the normal functioning of a family.

Lets look at a few subtle differences between  Nuclear and Step-families;

Nuclear:

1. All members related by Blood
2. The pattern of family is “normal”
3. The children have no choice in home rules, beliefs and discipline
4. Position in the family is known i.e. Mother Role, Father Role, Oldest Child, Youngest Child
5. Legal relationship and obligations exist with both parents

Step-Family:

1. Related through marriage/living together
2. Different family backgrounds create difference in what is Normal
3. Couple must create a new set of family rules and structure
4. Position in the family is unknown or changed i.e. Does the Step-parent assume a “Parenting Role” or are they considered a friend or mentor?  Does the oldest child now become the middle child and has to assume a new sibling ranking?
5. The Step-Parent has no legal relationship with the Step-child.  No legal relationship does not mean no legal obligation however the emotional investment may diminish.

I have just listed 5 difference – there are over 20 that I point out when working with Stepfamilies.  Some have a greater impact than others on the family and each affect the functioning of Stepfamilies differently.

Knowing the differences helps a stepfamily to understand why they can not function as a Nuclear Family, some of the sources of Stepfamily conflict and recognize their own uniqueness within their family system.

Whether you are in a Stepfamily or Nuclear family it is an interesting exercise to examine differences.  For instance in a nuclear family the couple can list differences in growing up in their biological family vs how they operate in their existing family. Or differences in their beliefs, roles, rules from one family to another.

Just remember…. Differences don’t mean that one way is wrong (unless there was emotional or physical abuse of course).  Talking about differences can be very enlightening and can help to create a new awareness and appreciation of one another.

By signing up for the “Stepping Up” e-newsletter you will get great tools, tips and techniques to help your family communicate during difficult conversations.  Simply click here: http://www.stepbystepmediation.com/index.html

This is Set 2 of the Family Stress Test – Set 1 is in the next edition of the Stepping Up newsletter. 

Sign up and receive some Fantastic Family information on communication and in particular on areas that pose a lot of difficulty for families (Divorce,Step families, senior issues/concerns).  You get my eight years experience as a Family Mediator handed to you on a silver platter. Just go to the home page on the website  www.stepbystepmediation.com and click on the Newsletter Sign-up on the top right hand corner of the site.

So here we go….

Set 2

1. We acknowledge feelings, encourage their expression and allow time for dealing with the issues these feelings raise.

2. We plan time for family activities. We also eat together at least once every day.

3. If a step/blended family, we maintain and nurture biological parent-child relationships and let new relationships develop in their own time.

4. I feel confident in my role as a parent.

5. Our family easily maintains a sense of humour and playfulness.

6. Family priorities take precedence over work.

7. I know what’s important to my kids.

8. When issues arise that we get stuck on, we ask for help from other family members, support groups, community-based programs, clergy and/or a family professional.

9. We have enough money for the important things.

10. Everyone in the family has responsibilities around the house and does them without being nagged.

Combine this set with Set 1 and if you have answered “true” more often in the first set than in the second set, you may want to seek help lowering the stress level of your family.  Families that communicate about problems, who face issues as they arise, who support one another and seek help when it is needed, can build strong bonds among themselves, nurture a healthy and loving family and have a lot more fun doing it!

Author’s content used under license, (c) 2008 Claire Communications

As a product of my upbringing, I only knew of two methods to cope with stress…. be confrontational or give the “Silent Treatment”. It wasn’t until many years later as I started my training in Mediation that I learned there was a third method to cope with stress.

You will learn about two of these methods in this blog and hey – if you like the article and want to finish reading it, then sign up for my e-newsletter “Stepping Up” and the next edition will give you the full scoop on Coping with Family Stress.  Simply go to my home page of www.stepbystepmediation.com and click on “sign up for newsletter”

The Social Sciences have conducted a tremendous amount of research in the area of communication and it’s relationship to conflict.  They have found that when individuals are faced with relationship conflicts people chose one of three interpersonal based options to help them deal with the situation.

1. Verbal competition, aggression and confrontation

This conflict coping option is considered a negative and direct behaviour method.  This method includes expressions of anger and a refusal to back down accompanied by demands that the other person concedes.

We all know someone who uses this option to deal with conflict and we also know that it comes across as hostile and aggressive which is exactly why the person uses it since it helps them to achieve the outcome they desire.

People who employ this method of coping with conflict/stress are most concerned with themselves rather than being involved with others.  When they achieve the results they are looking for, this reinforces the confrontation option which actually may lead to the escalation of hostile and aggressive behaviour.

Think of a two-year old having a temper tantrum.  They make a great big fuss and depending on the reaction of their parent – that fuss making actually ended up with pretty good two-year old results!  Now fast forward 20-30-40 years (you get the picture) and that aggression and confrontational coping style has created some pretty good results. Although confronted individuals may concede defeat in the short-term, their experience with dealing with this individual will be chalk up to negative emotions such as resentment, anger and sadness.  The chances of wanting to cooperate with this aggressive and confrontational individual again is slim to none.

Another coping option that people may choose to use is

2. Cooperation and Compromise

This method of conflict management falls under the class of positive and direct behaviour.  Although little research has been done on “Compromise” it bears a resemblance to “accommodation” that has been researched.

When people are highly committed to the relationship, they are more likely to be accommodating in the relationship.  A healthy relationship will demonstrate a fair degree of “give and take” in this process of accommodation.  However, when there is not a fair or equal balance of accommodation then the person who accommodates the most will start to feel distress in the relationship.

We often see this unfair balance with teenagers – which is understandable since this is a stage of development in which they are trying to create autonomy and they are more invested in their friends and social network than being accommodating and cooperative with their parents and other family members. BUT…. they can be very cooperative when they are looking for cooperation from their parent (hey mom, can I borrow the car after I do my chores?).

When two or more people are faced with a conflict between maximizing personal (selfish) interest and maximizing collective (family) interest, compromise is a method used to create cooperation.

You may have guessed the third option if you read this blog from the beginning…

3. Avoidance and Withdraw

This coping method has both negative and positive results and is considered an “indirect” conflict management behaviour.

After reading and reflecting on these three coping methods, decide if there is one that seems to be your “natural default”.  If Cooperation and Compromise is not your usual method of coping with stress in your family then think about the impact that the other two methods have on those people you care about.  If you truly want to improve on your family communication then take action today to learn and practice Cooperation and Compromise.

If you want to read further on this topic then sign up for the Stepping Up e-newsletter and not only will you receive powerful communication tips, you will discover great educational information on families going through a divorce, Step/Blended family challenges and dealing with Senior’s and their family on their issues and concerns. 

Throw in some great  mediation techniques that I use in my daily practice to help families who have some pretty difficult conversations and you will get a great bang for your buck (or should I say “for zero down”) and become informed and empowered.

Let’s use the scenario that it has been decided that your aging parent is going to come and live with your family.  The following are some items that can easily eat away at your bank account which can often get shrugged off  from the Caregiver or other family members.

1. Non-prescription medication (i.e. Asperin/ Cold medicine)
2. Gas expense to transport the dependent person to appointments or visits
3. Loss of income when the Caregiver has to take days off work to care for the individual
4. Increased Grocery Expense
5. Increased Utility Expense

I’m sure there are many of you who could add a few things to this list.  The point I’m trying to make here is that all of these can add up to a big monthly expense.

I have had Mediations in which other family members (Usually the adult children) complain that the Caregiver (usually a Sibling) is “nickle and Diming” their parent  when asking for these out-of-pocket expenses.  This can  cause a lot of conflict amongst the family especially when the Caregiver or the other family members are not in a financial position to absorb these extra costs.

Our Canadian Government has finally recognized that Caregivers need some financial relief to help them look after those people who are dependent on them by reason or mental or physical infirmity.

The Family Caregiver Tax Credit received Royal Assent (became law) and Caregivers will now receive a tax credit of $2,000 per dependent.  The $2,000 will also be indexed for inflation starting in 2013.

Great news for Caregivers and for those who rely on them.

For more information on the Family Caregiver Tax Credit here is the link

http://www.cra-arc.gc.ca/gncy/bdgt/2011/qa02-eng.html

Couples who have a well drafted Separation Agreement will have the visitation schedule planned out for 12-18 months in advance.  This helps not only the parents but also the children have a great visual of what to expect month to month and brings consistency and certainty into everyone’s life.

However there also needs to be scheduling flexibility because life seems to throw a few curve balls once in a while.   We had no idea when our annual Christmas office party will be held as we plan our visitation schedule, we had no idea 3 months prior that we would win a fantastic family ski vacation at some magnificent winter hot spot.

If something comes up and you need to change your visitation schedule then here are a few points to keep in mind;

• You are asking your former spouse to cooperate with you to accommodate the changes.  Be courteous and discuss this in PRIVATE so your former partner does not feel as though his/her back is against the wall with the children standing there waiting for their response.
• With that first point in mind…. DON’T talk to the children about the prospect of changing the schedule before you speak to your former spouse.   Even if you are just mulling the idea around – it may get the children’s hopes up of going on a great winter vacation and makes the ex look like the “Bad Parent” if they object.
• Be open to other suggestions your former spouse may have. After all this is supposed to be a collaborative and joint effort.
• Negotiate with Benefits and Options.  Your ex needs to see the big picture and not just your request – perhaps your suggested changes actually gives them more consistent time with the children rather than breaking the week/weekend all up and having to take the kids to and from both residences.

Here are 9 more GREAT tips to negotiate change.   It speaks to the heart of the matter of treating each person with respect and dignity.

Tips for the holidays

Click onto my newsletter link on this website and receive excellent information on Divorce/Stepfamilies/Workshops/Promotions.

1. When you formed your relationship, did you give it any thought as to what you expected to gain from it?

2. What kind of relationship did you think you would have with your stepchildren?

3. How long did you expect it would take to develop a good Stepfather/Stepchild relationship?

4. What sort of expectations did you have for your “Couple” Relationship?

It is completely natural and understandable to form a stepfamily with a set of expectations of what you will gain from the experience.  However, many times these expectations are unrealistic or men set themselves or their stepfamily up for failure because the expectations are unachievable.

Some common answers I hear for example in question #1 are:

” I never really gave it much thought as to what I expect to gain from the relationship”

” I knew that she was the right person for me so the fact that she has children didn’t matter - I love her – I’ll love her children and I expect that they will come to love me too”

” There has been a lot of sadness from the breakup of my first marriage.  I expected this relationship to go a lot smoother since I have learned a lot about myself and about relationships from past mistakes”

Although the first response is the most honest one I have heard, the other responses are what I call “pie in the sky” thinking.  The second and third responses all sound wonderful/ insightful and yes… even hopeful but the truth be known – their answers are superficial.

When men are forced to dig deeper, their true expectations are revealed such as;

” I expected a fun and loving relationship with her children”

” I didn’t expect to have to be as involved in parenting her children”

” I expected to be able to eliminate some of the hurt and anger by being a father to her children”

” I expected our relationship to be focused on “us” and not all about the children all the time”

“I didn’t expect to have so many problems with her/my ex – I’ve moved on – why can’t they?”

Stepfathers often complain about the length of time it takes the children to warm up to them, the amount of energy it takes to nurture the relationship with their stepchildren and their feelings of being unappreciated.   They expected things to run smoother, faster and easier and they enter into the stepfamily relationship with a time frame.

NeoTraditional Stepfathers are the most realistic of the three stepfather models.  These men nurture the relationship slowly and understand that the children need to develop a friendship with them first.   However, NeoTraditional men also want to be considered “Dad” and if the relationship does not develop to that extent where the children call him “Dad” he feels disappointed and hurt.   He expected his patience and tolerance would pay off and he would get the coveted title – and if it never happens he may find himself feeling angry, frustrated and feel as though the children took advantage of his generosity.

The Matriarchal Stepfather expects his wife to do all the parenting and he expects the children’s biological father to be there for them.  He expects very little from the relationship with his stepchildren.  However, that is not his expectation for the “Couple” relationship.  This Stepfather model expects his mate to be there for him and with him and as long as that relationship is maintained he is a happy camper.  He will do things with his stepchildren and is the eyes and ears of the family but he is the type of man who lets his wife run the show and takes a back seat in family gathering and events. He does not tolerate rude and obnoxious children and expects their mother to handle her children appropriately.

Romantic Stepfathers expect instant love and instant bond with his Stepchildren.  He often has a problem accepting their biological father is in the picture because he wants to look like/act like a nuclear family.  He gets very impatient when the children don’t warm up to him quickly and he also feels it proper as in a traditional nuclear family, he sets the rules and does the discipline in the house.  This Stepfamily model is the least successful of the three.

Frustration for Stepfathers start with unrealistic expectations for himself and the other family members.

Uncovering expectations and discovering ways to change these expectations to meet a Stepfather’s needs starts the process of creating Stepfamily fulfillment.

I encourage men to sit down with your partner and have a truthful and honest discussion about what you expected in forming your stepfamily.  What expectations are being met, what are not being met.   How can you combine your two sets of expectations to best meet both of your needs?

And Remember…Have fun!

If that seems to work ok for everyone involved then that is fantastic! Chances are though that the arrangement seems to work for all the other family members who don’t deal with the day-to-day issues.  It’s like how the old saying goes “Out of Sight – Out of Mind”.

I may sound harsh but time and time again I hear people talk about how exhausted they are as they help a senior member manage their daily activities, run errands, pick up medications, take them to appointments,  fix meals… The list goes on and on and it really does not appear to ever get shorter.

It is understandable if a family member does not live close that they can not attend to their daily needs.  However, there are things that families can do to help the main care giver such as;

• Call the senior daily or every other day to check in and say hello.
• See if other family members, friends and close neighbours can work out a rotation visiting schedule to give the main care giver a reprieve a few hours each day or week.
• Discuss what can be done electronically to save time/money such as setting up automatic pill payments & automatic deposits.  Many seniors don’t feel comfortable with computers and can’t do this themselves however with proper security in place, a trusted family member could do all this with or for the senior.
• Arrange to take the senior to a community centre so they can socialize with their friends.
• Check regularly and see what programs/services are available in the community that may be new.

Don’t leave all these activities to one or two people in the family to handle.  Share the “To Do” List and take an active part in helping your senior relative and the main care giver.

There are literally hundreds of senior services around – and yes, there is usually a cost associated with service.  However families need to evaluate the cost of services against the cost of exhaustion and frustration.

I put this challenge out to any family member who does not take a very active role in looking after a senior – Take one full week of your holidays and spend it with an aging senior member.  Day in and Day out – 24/7 and see how you feel at the end of the week.  Perhaps you will then see that it does take a village to keep a family happy and ensure that the main care givers are not close to exhaustion and you are part of that village.

So butt heads if you will or take the approach of the possibility of reducing the stress level of a divorce by sitting down with your former spouse and listen to understand what is important and why.  The follow is a bit of a checklist of what may need to be discussed:

Parenting Plan:

1. The different types of custody and when one makes more sense than the other
2. The types of Guardianship
3. Time spent with the children and how to balance the children’s needs along with the parent’s concerns

Child Support:

Forget for a moment of what you are legally obligated to pay in terms of legislated child support.  Take a look at the past year of what the real cost is to raise a child.  How much do you spend on groceries, clothing, school, extracurricular activities, medication, birthday parties, dentist and anything else that equates to the day-to-day life for a child.  When you take an honest look at the costs then compare this to what legislation has calculated you will gain a clear perspective of what each of you will need to do in order to help maintain your child’s stability during and after your divorce.

Spousal Support:

Only a judge can decide on actual entitlement to spousal support Neither a lawyer or a mediator can determine entitlement.  However, we do know what sort of things are taken into consideration to help a Judge determine entitlement, amount and duration.

1. Length of marriage
2. Earning capability  during the marriage and after the breakdown of the marriage
3. Person’s age
4. Contribution and support of  each other’s education and career
5. Division of assets

When you look at how your life evolved and how you supported one another during your marriage it helps to make sense of how to create fairness and support one another when it has been decided to move on from one another.  Spousal Support help’s to  create stability and consistency for both the adults and the children while your lives transition.

These are just a few topics that can be discussed and agreed on prior to seeing a lawyer.  Yes, these discussions can be difficult which is why people choose to have these discussions with a trained Mediator.  A Mediator does not make the decisions for you as a Judge would.  Instead, we provide legal information to help you make decisions for yourself and your family.

As the discussion moved along I realized that there was a vagueness of understanding from some family members as to the role and responsibilities of an Executor so I went on to explain what some of these responsibilities were.   I then asked my friend Gregg Medwid  who is the President of Executor Support to provide me with information which I can pass onto my clients.  And in his true professional manner – Gregg sent me an email with an excellent explanation along with a fabulous checklist which I want to pass onto you.

What is an executor?

An executor is someone who  carries out your final wishes, as described in your will.  This is a very  responsible role, and usually requires a considerable amount of time.  The  executor, who may also be one of the beneficiaries, will take ownership  and  possession of the assets, arrange for payment of any debts, and distribute the  proceeds of the estate to the beneficiaries.  The executor is, in effect,  taking on the same rights and responsibilities of the deceased.

The executor starts  by arranging the funeral and then begins to settle the estate.  S/he needs  to inform all parties of the death, including government agencies, banks,  pension offices and employers, and then all of the assets and liabilities need  to be identified, including their values on the date of death.  Some  assets may need to be appraised.  A complete inventory should be prepared,  and any valuable assets protected (eg. house, art).  All accounts  (including online accounts), subscriptions and memberships need to be  cancelled.  Many estates require the will to be probated, so the executor  will arrange to have the documents filed in court and will pay the necessary  fees.  A source of funds may need to be arranged in order to pay for probate and a variety of other expenses.  Detailed bookkeeping records  usually need to be maintained, and these  accounts need to be passed by the beneficiaries.
At least one income tax return must be filed, possibly more, including an  estate income tax return, and any income tax owing must be paid.  Insurance claims may need to be filed, as well as claims for government  benefits (eg. CPP Death Benefit).

Although the  executor is responsible for arranging payment of debts, s/he is not responsible  for the debts themselves.  If there are insufficient funds in the estate  to pay all outstanding debts then the estate is considered to be insolvent.

Throughout the  entire process there should be frequent communication with the family and other  beneficiaries in order to keep everyone well-informed and avoid any  disputes.  This point cannot be over-emphasized, especially in those  families where there is very little communication or where animosity exists.

It’s OK to ask for help.  The executor is entitled to receive whatever assistance they may  need, such as a lawyer, accountant, notary public or consultant, and these fees are typically paid out of the proceeds of the estate.  The executor is  also entitled to receive a fee for their service, up to approximately 5% of the  value of the estate.

In the event that  someone dies without a will (ie. intestate), rather than there being an  executor, someone must offer to be the administrator.  The rights and  responsibilities of an administrator are similar to those of an executor.

Executor Checklist

With the information Gregg has provided, you and your parents can have a useful discussion regarding who best to be the Executor of your parent’s estate?  As it turned out, the family  I mentioned at the beginning of this article made some different decisions based on factors such as their adult children’s careers, capabilities and family responsibilities.   The mediation resulted in the family making an informed decision with a complete understanding and agreement of why those decisions were made.

“Executor Support does not provide legal advice. The information provided herein is intended as general information only, not as legal advice, and readers are encouraged to seek their own legal counsel.  Executor Support does not prepare or submit applications for Letters Probate or Letters of Administration.”

Among the many issues and challenges Step Families have to deal with, organizing their home to meet the needs of their family can feel like an overwhelming task.  What do you do when there isn’t enough room?   If step siblings have to share a room how can their individual taste be displayed while at the same time respect each others differences? How do you accommodate children who only live with you on a part-time basis?  How do you make their personal space just as important as the other family members who live in the house on a full-time basis?

As you can see – lots of issues and concerns and help is the way….

If you are experiencing  space and clutter challenges with your Step Family, here is a wonderful opportunity to have professional organizer Jill Pollack come to your home and work out a solution to meet the needs of all the family members.